I'm home for a few days. Alone. Time for some much needed R&R.
After nearly 3 months of caregiving.
Of not enough sleep.
Of stress.
Of dealing with Alzheimer's.
Of being away from home.
Of hardly a moment to myself.
Of tiredness that has no words. That can't even be described.
Of living out of a suitcase. Not literally, but of living trying to make my stuff fit into someone else's already over-filled space.
Of no privacy.
Of no time alone. Having a hard time finding even a quiet moment to spend alone with God. Because when the quiet moments come, I'm already so tired I can't think straight. Can't comprehend anything I read. Can't even put words together in prayer.
After all that, I'm home for R & R. Maybe that should be R & R & R & R.
Rest. Relaxation. Certainly those. But also reflection and rejuvenation.
The first couple of days I just mostly slept. Finally the headache is gone. The blood pressure is back to normal. Physically, I'm already very much refreshed.
And now that I'm physically in a better place than I have been for a while, it's time to take care of the other parts of me. Mental. Emotional. Spiritual.
These have been challenging, difficult weeks. I'm tired. That doesn't even begin to describe it. Please don't misunderstand. I have no regrets about spending these last months as I have. I would do it again. I wish I could do more. But right now, my well is dry. My bucket is empty. However you want to describe it, the truth is that I am drained. My battery is dead!
One of our sons had to replace the battery in his truck this week. When the truck wouldn't start and he had the battery checked, he was told "I've never seen a battery this dead." Or something like that. That may not be an exact quote. But it certainly describes my "condition". So, I've taken a break not a moment too soon.
This morning I read Psalm 51. Certainly my circumstances are quite different from David's. But I find myself praying with him....."make me to hear joy and gladness.....renew a right spirit.......restore the joy." I was encouraged by these words from Isaiah 40....."Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired......He gives strength to the weary."
I'm refreshed and renewed today as I turn my focus away from circumstances and focus on things for which I am thankful.....some of the gifts from a gracious God that are renewing me even now.
Snuggling in my very own worn-out comfy chair with my sweet Molly next to me.
Hummingbirds at the feeder.
Cardinals on the porch rail.
The beautiful greenness of summer in the mountains.
Music. (Right now it's Haydn's Symphony No. 95 in C Minor softly in the background.)
My Bible next to me. My notebook. My pens and pencils.
Coffee.
Especially I'm thankful today for my precious husband who brought me home to rest and recharge my battery. Who went back to care for his parents. What a gift he is to them. And to me.
And I am grateful for my Lord who refreshes me.
Who invites me to cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)
Who tells me to be still.....to know that He is God. (Psalm 46:10)
Who calls me to Himself. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28 NASB)
How very grateful I am. Even for the circumstances that have caused this extreme weariness. Not grateful for Alzheimer's, but grateful for the opportunity to care for my mother-in-law. Grateful even for the weariness that has produced. Because without it, would I have become quite so aware of my need for rest. Quite so aware of how I try to do so many things in my own strength. Would I have had such a grateful heart as I do today?
I don't know. But this I do know. I am so very grateful for all the lessons I am learning through this experience. Tired, but so very grateful.